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2009: A Resolution Worth Forgetting

Posted by darren

Back when Imbalanced had 5+ writers contributing content on a fairly consistent basis, we held a tradition of writing our Christmas lists and New Years Resolutions for the world to see and ridicule.

Morgan solidly ruined that ritual by leaving up his Christmas list for four years in a row, never writing another column again. As far as slacking goes, that's dedication.

With that in mind, it's time to bring back the ritual from the archives. New Years is right around the corner, and I feel like at this point in my life I need to better myself in goal setting anyway. Without further adieu, here's my New Years Resolutions for 2009. 1) I resolve to eat at least four vegetables without using processed cheese. Okay, maybe only three.

2) I resolve to make fun of Morgan's plight in life at least once a day.

3) I resolve to say the word "plight" more often.

4) I resolve to not say, "Hi, I'm Darren" after people say things like "I'm feeling tired," "I'm ready to go," or "I'm bored."

5) I resolve to drive only five miles over the speed limit, unless that speed limit is 35mph or below.

6) I resolve to not use Arial as my font of choice, instead using the superior Helvetica, obviously.

7) I resolve to learn how to play my guitar in the time I'd normally spend playing Counter-Strike.

8) I resolve to drink five different energy drinks in tandem to see if it gives me ESP or super human strength.

9) I resolve to drink only dark beers.

10) I resolve to keep a girlfriend for longer than three happy hours. Wait, scratch that.

11) I resolve to discover three new bands on Pandora, then stop listening to them halfway through the year because they're too "mainstream."

12) I resolve to buy new socks.

13) I resolve to buy new boxers that are not Christmas affiliated (Sorry, Scooby Doo).

14) I resolve to wash the SumoSac, for reasons obvious.

15) I resolve to join a gym, work out for two weeks, then yell at the scales for "lying" and promptly quit the gym for being a scam.

16) I resolve to capture Rush Limbaugh and sell him to the terrorists for a copy of Wii Fit.

17) I resolve to curse less, but only because it made those orphanage kids cry. Won't someone think of the children?

18) I resolve to make something with my hands. And then smash it.

19) I resolve to convince Britney Spears I like her for "who she is" then break up with her for hiding the fact that she has kids.

20) I resolve to only halfway complete one of these resolutions, then quit them all together for being a scam.