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Drank: The Liquid Depressant... For Kids!

Posted by darren

The infamous 7-Eleven is my gateway to various exotic energy drinks, ranging from Amp'd Energy to Red Bull Cola. Imagine my surprise when I ran across an "extreme relaxation beverage" called Drank that slaps those caffeinated killers into submission with promises to "slow my roll."

An anti-energy drink? Oh this is going to be good.

Drank comes in a purple can with a happening urban logo, reminding us it's cool to feel relaxed. A summary on the can describes the herbal mix of Rose Hips, Melatonin, and Valerian Root that work together to relax the "body, mind, and soul."

I don't know about you, but all those things sound like they can be found at my local nursing home. Just to pound home the relaxation theme, there's a drowsiness warning on the side that suggests I not drink more than two servings within a day.... Let's get right out with it: Drank is awful, and the people who thought of this are horrible.

If you ever carbonated Dynatap and then diluted it with urine, you might be able to replicate the flavor. MIGHT.

It comes in 16 fl oz. cans, so the Innovative Beverage Group apparently thinks someone has destroyed enough taste buds to actually stand Drank for an extended period of time. After years of eating nuclear buffalo wings, I thought I was one of those people.

I was incorrect.

A quick visit to the Drank website reveals more hip summaries of how awesome this drink would have been if it was a different drink altogether. "Warning: This beverage may be extremely relaxing and calming!"

Oh really? That's what I, the ultimate bad ass, need to bring my game to a whole other level with the ladies. Because nothing makes women swoon more than a guy napping from his extreme relaxation drink. Just ask these two, they know what getting crunk is really about.

The website provides a community section, for which I wrongly presumed people would hang out and discuss the awesomeness this product isn't. I wanted to meet these people.

Sadly, I was instead greeted with generic (and hip) demographic information. It describes who drinks Drank and why they love it, including "our favorite rappers."

Oh shit, really? Which ones? I bet Snoop is in on this, he always looks relaxed.

I guess I'll never know which ones, because their following assessment of our favorite rappers is this:

"The Hip-Hop community is representative of the benefits of "Drank." They have a relaxed style and a smooth flavor that speaks to the young souls in people of all ages."

Oh god. The other "communities" that love Drank aren't any better, including "work-out freaks," insomniacs, jet-setters, and professionals.

Wait, I'm a professional! This page is talking about ME.

The promotional video illustrates how even race car drivers love drinking Drank.

Wait, what? Last time I checked, driving + drowsiness = death.

If you want to take the retardation up a notch, they are also publicly traded (OTC:IBGH) so you can throw away money on multiple fronts. You won't know the difference since you'll be napping with Uncle Fred down in geriatrics.

I'm still trying to piece together the marketing hypothetical they give investors, "Don't you ever feel like you just have way too much energy at work? Don't you wish you could feel drained almost instantaneously with one big can of grape piss?"

Sign me up.

Unfortunately I know that people exist to undermine everything I say, so I presume after reading this several people will go out and buy a case of Drank anyway. I just hope those people are race car drivers.

EXTREME race car drivers.