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11-Hour Energy, aka energy drinks are B-A-D

Posted by darren

Every once in a while at work I get in a weird mood. I trick myself into thinking I'm tired and needing some sort of energy boost. Most of the time this is done in moderation, but every once in a while it ends badly. I've chronicled one instance of my poor judgment right here. Today was another one of those days. My boss was out sick, and I was already yawning before lunch. I was planning on just drinking water all day (I've started a regiment of five bottles while at work), but instead opted out for energy drinks. Three of them to be exact. It didn't start this way. I was just going to grab an Amp Energy and be on my way. I get the "focus" one to help all my marketing work during the afternoon, but as I was checking out I noticed a 5-Hour Energy shot. Why not. Again, it's not like I hadn't drank two energy drinks together before. But wait! The checkout cashier informed me there was a NEW energy shot right next to 5-Hour Energy, aptly titled "6-Hour Energy." What the hell, one more hour sounds good to me!

But rather than put away the 5-Hour in exchange for the 6-Hour, I decided to purchase both. I would have one at lunch, and save the other for later, right? Or maybe not.

I drank the Amp Energy at lunch, but then followed it up with the 6-Hour Energy shot. It was new, and I was curious. It tasted exactly the same as 5-Hour Energy. Exactly.

So what gives it that extra hour energy, I wondered. As I'm comparing the nutrition information on both energy shots, everything is the same. Both have 2000% daily value for Vitamin B6, 8333% Vitamin B12, 100% Folic Acid, and 165% Niacin. However, 6-Hour Energy contained 167% Vitamin C.

I guess Vitamin C is a magical ingredient capable of giving you an extra hour of energy. Anyway, by this time, I've already consumed more than my share of vitamins -- not counting the Centrum I take every day so that my body doesn't shut down from malnutrition.

I'm still not feeling anything.

Previously my body was shaking from the "Niacin Flush" and I felt if I didn't duplicate that, I was doing something wrong. So I drank the 5-Hour Energy.

That's right. I now have 5000% daily allowance of B6, 18000% daily allowance for B12, and God knows how much caffeine. My body doesn't tingle like before. No, instead it starts to implode from the inside. Every organ is aching. My ears feel like they're bleeding.

I keep burping up chili dog, but here's the kicker: I haven't eaten a chili dog today, or even anything chili dog related. I DID eat a Big Bite from 7Eleven yesterday, so maybe overdosing on energy drinks can actually resurrect day old food.

I start doing laps around my office, noticing that there's a bounce and a skip in my step that I'm not consciously doing. I don't feel like I have energy, I feel like I'm on the verge of collapsing.

While I'm trying to do work, I notice that I'm both focused and unable to concentrate. I keep staring at one letter of a paragraph I'm writing, and then I lose track of what I'm doing altogether.

So this is why 11-Hour Energy didn't pass FDA regulations.

I need a human-sized hamster wheel. Considering I drank this wonderful energy concoction a little after noon, I should start coming back down to the real world around midnight.

If I survive this experience, my next energy drink column will discuss 5-Hour Energy with... vodka. Stay tuned.