The Drink List (and Pictures of Stuff)

When it comes to menus, I like the pictures. Everything is better with pictures. I started thinking about this after a friendly visit to the neighborhood Applebee's and checked out their fancy drink menu.

Every other day I get Chinese menu brochures hanging on my door. I’ve realized I only order from the ones with pictures on them. So many choices. I just want to consult with my stomach on what looks good, but my stomach only speaks in grunts -- it’s tougher to understand than you would think.

I hate buying something without seeing what I’m getting then realizing afterward that I don’t want it. My friend got what I wanted, and I can’t stand it. Then I’m thinking the whole time they’re eating and telling about how good that is, and how awful what I am eating is, but I can’t look like I made the wrong decision so I embellish how great this turd is.

“Oh yeah, I bet you wish you got what I’m having, it’s soooooo good!” I hope he chokes on that General Tso’s chicken.

I think everything would be better with pictures. What if you could pick your own body organs? I could just see myself looking through a catalog of livers. “Do you got anything not as pink? Oh and it’s got to be at least twice that size. I want to be able to shotgun a keg when this operation is over.”

And that’s not an exaggeration. I completely expect to shotgun a keg after a liver operation. In fact, I’m shotgunning one right now.