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New Year's Revolutions

Posted by morgan

Unlike Darren, I'm a New Year's resolution pessimist. I think creating a list of things I could improve is setting myself up for failure. But I've been coerced into improving myself by forces outside my control.

For example, I was supposed to finish this column before New Year's (2005, not 2009). Nu uh, not happening. Call it the ultimate experiment in procrastination. Next, I was supposed to devote more time to the Web site.

Unfortunately for Darren, the market economy forces constant improvement in video game technology, which renders my subsequent allocation of said Web site devotion null and void.

In all fairness, I have been working behind the scenes to improve Imbalanced. For example, Darren will spend hours tinkering with Drupal to make it as easy as possible for me to post while I cheer him on from the sidelines.

Instead of utilizing this incredible tool, I'm in Photoshop designing myself a T-shirt with the slogan: "ImBaLaNcEd'S #1 cHeErLeAdEr!!!!!" in hot pink on a poop brown background. Then I suggest using these colors for the Web site.

I get outvoted 1-0 (my voting privileges have been revoked) and nothing changes. The cycle repeats. My quest for voting privileges (and a change in theme color) begins with this column.

The Imbalanced.com bylaws state "any former member may recover voting privileges by investing a significant portion of his work and/or leisure hours toward the betterment of the Imbalanced Web site."

OK, so these bylaws don't exist, but I plan on writing them into a constitution. Call it a "Putin Maneuever."

1. I resolve to only suggest new bands to Darren by telling him they sound like "Deftones", "Seether," or "Stone Temple Pilots" even if they sound nothing like any of those bands.

2. I resolve to make a music purchase. Of any kind. In any format.

3. I resolve to rally the University of Central Arkansas fan base to welcome Nathan Dick with open legs and arms.

4. I resolve to stop with the Dick jokes.

5. I resolve to get a part-time job that will increase the number of things I get to bitch about. Currently those things number three.

6. I resolve to buy a bunch of Web programming books, strategically place them in the backgrounds of pictures of myself, and post them to my Flickr account to increase my credibility within the Web community.

7. I resolve to fix the squeaking in my bed so I can sleep soundly. Yes, this means you cannot spend the night tonight.

8. I resolve to flush my kidneys and liver with sweet, sweet beer at least once a week.

9. I resolve to stop getting wax nostalgic for the 90s. Think of all the wonderful things we didn't have then that we have now: Unlimited text messaging, Hannah Montana, and a popular Al Gore.

10. I resolve to quit downloading free Photoshop brush packs that I'm never going to use. Oooh, this one has little alien critters.

11. I resolve to start my own Ponzi scheme, but only lose $49 billion of my investors' cash. Fifty billion dollars is a little excessive.

12. I resolve not to help anyone with a computer problem unless I'm compensated on an hourly basis. I will also accept sushi as a form of payment.

13. And finally I resolve to devote no less than an hour to Imbalanced per fiscal year. This includes time spent dreaming about working on the site or conversations about any Web site in general.