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Novocaine: the next anti-energy drink

Posted by darren

Malava NovocaineGod I've been in a writing funk lately. Long days at work followed by short days at work, followed by not working at all, and then finishing off with 12 hours straight. That's why when I need to relax, I reach for Novocaine!

At least that's what Malava wants me to do. They're a company marketing another one of these infamous anti-energy drinks that everyone is talking about. And by everyone, I mean nobody. So I'm going to do it and you can hate me later. Between listening to that soothing, rhythmatic background music on their website and drinking this abomination, I am about to pass out. (As an aside, I caught myself spelling that previous sentence with "obamanation," which means I've definitely been surfing the internet too much). Damn you, anti-energy! Keeping me off subject!

Anyway, I decided to try this Malava Novocaine simply because it couldn't be worse than Drank. To its benefit, this anti-energy drink didn't go the grape route. Instead it went with "tropical berry," which I can only describe as if a banana had sex with a dissolved Centrum (which, according to my sources, is more powerful from A to Zinc).

Now what this drink lacks in Centrum vitamin power, it makes up for with 20MG of kavalactones, 90 calories, and 23 grams of sugar (that's per serving, kids).

What the heck is a kavalactone? According to the trusty Wikipedia, kavalactones are a class of lactone compounds found in the kava shrub. Thanks Wiki!

Okay, so what the heck is a lactone compound or a kava shrub? I imagine it's what gave the Singing Bush in The Three Amigos its laid back, "screw the world" attitude.

Apparently, not only do lactones help you "get numb" (as the Malava can dictates) but also impart the hair-on-your-chest flavor of whiskey.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

No, there's not really more. I just wanted you to keep reading. I'm amazed I can even do sentences in all caps, you know, with how relaxed I am right now.

Actually, I'm not done.

Through my years of journalism and marketing experience, I've learned that people love them some zingers. They want an anthem or motto for their brand that will just help their product fly off the shelves. In my case, we chose "we are all imbalanced" because you crazy people keep coming back and I'm not paying you anything.

In Malava's case, they couldn't choose a motto they liked best so they picked anything they could come up with. Mmmmm, anti-energy drinkThat's right. This one soda can has no less than FIVE different catch phrases, in hopes of pacifying the God of Marketing. Let's go through some of them!

  • "Don't Stress... Get Numb."
  • "The Anti-Stress Drink (insert trademark here since I don't remember the stupid shortcut code for it)"
  • "Relax, Be Calm, Mellow Out, Beat the Blues, Kick Back, No Worries. Decompress, Chill, (what looks to be a palm tree clip art image)"
  • "All the cool without the drool."
  • "Use before: visiting the dentist, the big date, visiting the in-laws, exams, performances, dealing with the boss, shopping, traveling or anytime you feel stressed out."

Holy crap. If I wanted to read a book, I would have gone to Barnes & Noble and mooched off their unwillingness to kick people out of their store.

And I guess that's my big problem with Malava Novocaine and Drank. The products feel like they were created in a board room of 50-somethings trying to ride in on that hip, newfangled energy drink craze, all the while missing the point entirely.

If people want to relax with a drink after a long day, they're going to drink A)beer or B)whiskey. People who don't drink will calm down with a cigarette or the next Harry Potter book. Preferably at the same time.

Now I'm off. To drink whiskey. Because that's what normal people do on a Tuesday, right? Right.