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The Bacon Made Me Do It

Posted by darren

I should be working. Should be.

Every once in a while the Internet throws me a curve ball that completely derails my ability to concentrate. Today was no exception.


What emotions result from even reading the word? For me, bacon is something truly epic. It's like if Lethal Weapon replaced plot with huge explosions for five hours straight. The New York Times took it upon themselves to write an article called The Bacon Explosion, which is a large mass of sausage wrapped in a mesh of bacon. Not just a few strips. No, more like 20 strips that completely engulf meat with more delicious meat.

My mind is rushing. What other things could I wrap in a mesh of bacon... Steak? Pork tenderloin? Grilled chicken? More bacon?? The possibilities are endless.

I blame the Internet for my bacon addiction. I've come across so many recipes and products that I would otherwise not even think of associating with bacon because people are crazy.

Let's go through a few of my favorites.

1) Bacon wrapped tofu.

Apparently Asians use tofu for more than just healthy eatings. They use it for body and texture. I personally can't stand tofu, but when you add bacon to the equation, I'm suddenly intrigued.

2) Bacon cookies.

When normal cookies just don't have the required fat content you desire, why not take them up a notch? Bam! I've actually tried these, and the bacon ends up tasting like Butterfingers. Butterfingers made out of cholesterol.

3) Bacon vodka.

Double your chances of liver failure with stomach implosion. Those surgeons down at the ER are bored after watching all the fun episodes of House anyway. Seriously, if it's acceptable to drink schnapps, eggnog, and that Clamato-flavored beer, I'm allowed to imbibe two servings of sodium while simultaneously getting smashed.

4) Bacon floss.

Dentists are dicks. Why should your breath always be minty when you really want to eat a t-bone steak? The women may not appreciate it, but screw them, this wouldn't be a problem if they cooked you bacon in the first place.

5) Bacon mints.

You didn't think I was done bashing mintiness did you? Once you're done flossing with bacon, pop a few of these and go make everyone else miserable with a healthy dose of bacon breath. Better yet, drop a few in your archenemy's morning coffee and wait. Nothing makes Folgers better than revenge.

6) Bacon wallet.

Worried about pickpockets? Let's see them steal your hard earned cash when it's surrounded by tasty grease! Honestly, I've never seen anything more fashionable. Except maybe the wearable sleeping bag.

7) Bacon band-aids.

I'm willing to cut myself for these. I don't care if you call me "emo."

8) Bacon salad bowls.

This is right up there with the taco salad in ways to make sure you don't lose weight while eating healthy. I'm imagining myself right now picking out the middle and eating just the cup. Oh, I might leave the bacon bits in tact. Just maybe.

9) Bacon cereal.

I'm not sure I could even make it through this one, but only because I hate blue cheese. Oh god, my heart.

10) Bacon salt.

Sometimes it's just not economical to have bacon on hand. I know, this sounds blasphemous. When those situations arrive, be prepared with bacon salt. Goes great with french fries, broccoli, soy dogs, scallops, small children, Korean dog meat, bacon, etc.

Hopefully this column leaves you hungrier than when you started reading it, let me end with some sagely advice from Dogbert.