Music  Store  Who We Is  Contact  

Get our Feed!

 
 

The News Mashup: Bigfoot Stirs Rift Between Georgia and Russia

Posted by darren

For Immediate Release: Aug 16, 2008

Georgia, USA or South Ossetia, Georgia - Officials from the Georgian government have released photographic evidence that Bigfoot, also known to locals as Sasquatch, is antagonizing campers from both Georgia and Russia in an effort to undermine diplomatic relations.

The photographs have created quite a controversy with both government officials and the scientific community. Officials in both Georgia and Russia demand that Bigfoot be brought to justice for his crimes, but several environmentalists are claiming immunity because Sasquatch is an endangered species.

"If Georgia and Russia want to blow each other up, that's fine by me," said Richard Kong, head researcher at the Institute for Misguided Monsters. "However, they need to leave Bigfoot well alone. As far as we know, he's the only of his kind which makes him politically untouchable."

Russians are balking at the demands by environmentalists, claiming Bigfoot has not only breached their national security but also annoyed several prominent figures in the Russian government who were camping in the region.

"Sasquatch must accept the sovereignty of our nation as well as respect our borders," said Russian President Dmitry Medvedev in a press release Friday. "On top of that, camping is the only time I can get away from my nagging wife, and I do not want my vacation time ruined by random moonings by Bigfoot."

Bigfoot is accused of much more than mooning campers. Witnesses claim their food supplies have been raided, tires deflated, water sources urinated or defecated in, clumps of Bigfoot hair were found in the mouths of camping victims, and a foul odor litters entire camp sites - a mixture of rotten eggs and menstruating wild skunks.

Bigfoot has also been targeted as a major contributor to global warming.

President Bush has called for a cease fire between regions while the United States and NATO send in a diplomatic group to negotiate with Sasquatch.

"We don't want any more bloodshed in the international community, but we also understand the plight of Bigfoot," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino. "America stands behind all parties and hope to solve the problem with several tons of fried American catfish, which we have been told is Bigfoot's favorite food."

The offering of catfish to Bigfoot has been criticized by Harvard's Paranormal Research Department, which argues that it will take more than food to appease the embattled beast.

"Sasquatch has been coping with economic urban growth by humans for the past 50 years," said department head Michael Loch. "You can't just gloss over decades of deforestation with a couple beers and chicken fried steak."

Despite the regional hardships between governments and Bigfoot, several Georgian residents are looking to the bright side.

"I kinda like knowing there's a big, fuzzy monster out there looking after the environment while we're too busy driving our SUV's and wasting precious natural resources," said Coletus Smirnoff, a stay-at-home father who makes his own pottery in the shape of Sasquatch.

"Granted, I would like it more if the government hadn't annexed my garage for military exercises. That's where I keep my porn."

Imbalanced News attempted to contact Bigfoot directly, but no response was given at time of release.